My Greatest Fear…

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “1984.”

So this post’s inspiration was taken from today’s prompt entitled ‘1984’. The description of the prompt is: you’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

There are plenty of things that I could talk about. I’m a huge horror fan, but my mind has an annoying habit of being over-active every time I watch something horror-related and I could talk for hours about all manner of horrifying creatures and scenarios that my mind has kept me awake thinking about. I could talk about going outside alone in the middle of the night, or I could talk about how much it would suck to get murdered. Being tortured would also be pretty lame for me since I’m a wimp and I really don’t deal with pain well.

But as for my greatest fear? That’s something a lot less sinister, and it’s probably a fear that a lot of people share; the fear of failing.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be the best at the things that I’m passionate about. I’m fine with not being the best at everything – or even most things – but I want to be great at the few things that I truly love to do.

Only a few things fall under that category for me: singing, writing and studying law. (And animals. Definitely animals too. But I’m not sure how I’d be the best at liking animals so I left that off here…any suggestions on how I’d be the very best that no one ever was at liking animals would be great. Kthxbye).

Not only do I have high expectations for myself in regards to the things I love to do, but I also have high expectations for myself in regards to my life in general. Again, since I was relatively young I’ve always been adamant that I would not be a girl that settled for a mediocre job and a mediocre salary. Neither would I be a girl that got pregnant at 16 (or pregnant ever. I hate kids, ugh) and be stuck spending what were supposed to be the best years of my life looking after a kid. I would not be a girl that got married and then divorced, and neither would I marry too young. I would not be a girl that couldn’t afford to travel, or had to constantly limit herself due to financial constraints.

I promised myself that I would achieve what a lot of people never manage to and that I literally would have it all – and the weight of that is crushing.

To answer the question at hand: if I were in a room with my greatest fear, there would probably just be a mirror. Or a creepy doppelganger-me with no eyes or something. Regardless, the point I’m making is that my greatest fear is probably myself, and my own limitations.

I’m scared that I won’t succeed in life the way I want to, and that I won’t be any good at the things I love to do. I’ve always wanted to be a singer – but how many people share the same dream and never achieve it? Far too many to count. I’m scared I’ll never realise this dream, and it’s something that I want so much. I started a YouTube channel to showcase my singing (among other things) a couple of months ago, and as with most channels it’s really slow-going getting any kind of exposure or attention. I’m scared that the channel will crash and burn embarrassingly in front of everyone. I’m scared that I’ll fail my law degree and my back-up career of being a solicitor/barrister (strange back-up career I know, but I really love singing) will also crash and burn, and I’ll end up on benefits or in a really shitty job for the rest of my life. I’m scared I’ll never move away from my city and lead an uneventful and boring life.

I love to write and I’d love to write a book – I’m scared no one would even like anything that I’d write and I’d waste my time writing something completely worthless.

All of these things terrify me, but when I think about it the thing that terrifies me the most is the thought that I just might not be good enough.

Sometimes the weight of all of the pressure that I put on myself is suffocating, and it seems hopeless that I’ll ever achieve any of the things I want to. It’s a struggle sometimes to rise to the challenge (hahahahaha [insert sex joke here]), but I’m definitely not the type of person who’s content to lie down and let everything pass me by.

I’m determined to do my best to achieve my dreams – and if I fail I can at least take some solace in the fact that I damn near killed myself trying to get there, and that I did the best that I could possibly do.

Most likely, you have hopes and dreams and ambitions too. Maybe you don’t put as much pressure on yourself as I do, but that doesn’t make your dreams any less real than mine are – so do your best and don’t give up even when it’s hard! Believe in yourself and do what you can to succeed…and also don’t visit whatever the hell kind of room this prompt is going on about, coz it seems depressing as hell and kinda counter-productive tbh :/

…yeah. Anyway, this is the end of this post, I hope you enjoyed it! Have a great week 🙂

Carley ❤

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear…

  1. Great post Carley. And so true for me too… You have to get on with what you want to achieve and ignore your doubts. It’s the only way to get where you want to be. It’s taken me 20 years to realise this, and I was so close to giving up on my book, because of all the reasons you say in your post. But, I made myself ignore my doubts, and carried on. You can do the same – and a lot sooner than me!!
    ps, to be the best with animals means to never get cross, always be kind, gentle and nice regardless of what they may do, guiding them through life without ever causing fear, anxiety or sadness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot! It’s definitely hard to ignore your doubts – especially when you’re your own worst critic, but I’m glad you didn’t give up on your book!! I’m really looking forward to reading it 🙂
      And that’s true – I must admit, I sometimes (but very rarely) lose my temper and shout at Camara if he’s been naughty, so that’s something I’ll have to work on!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s