My Greatest Fear…

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “1984.”

So this post’s inspiration was taken from today’s prompt entitled ‘1984’. The description of the prompt is: you’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

There are plenty of things that I could talk about. I’m a huge horror fan, but my mind has an annoying habit of being over-active every time I watch something horror-related and I could talk for hours about all manner of horrifying creatures and scenarios that my mind has kept me awake thinking about. I could talk about going outside alone in the middle of the night, or I could talk about how much it would suck to get murdered. Being tortured would also be pretty lame for me since I’m a wimp and I really don’t deal with pain well.

But as for my greatest fear? That’s something a lot less sinister, and it’s probably a fear that a lot of people share; the fear of failing.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be the best at the things that I’m passionate about. I’m fine with not being the best at everything – or even most things – but I want to be great at the few things that I truly love to do.

Only a few things fall under that category for me: singing, writing and studying law. (And animals. Definitely animals too. But I’m not sure how I’d be the best at liking animals so I left that off here…any suggestions on how I’d be the very best that no one ever was at liking animals would be great. Kthxbye).

Not only do I have high expectations for myself in regards to the things I love to do, but I also have high expectations for myself in regards to my life in general. Again, since I was relatively young I’ve always been adamant that I would not be a girl that settled for a mediocre job and a mediocre salary. Neither would I be a girl that got pregnant at 16 (or pregnant ever. I hate kids, ugh) and be stuck spending what were supposed to be the best years of my life looking after a kid. I would not be a girl that got married and then divorced, and neither would I marry too young. I would not be a girl that couldn’t afford to travel, or had to constantly limit herself due to financial constraints.

I promised myself that I would achieve what a lot of people never manage to and that I literally would have it all – and the weight of that is crushing.

To answer the question at hand: if I were in a room with my greatest fear, there would probably just be a mirror. Or a creepy doppelganger-me with no eyes or something. Regardless, the point I’m making is that my greatest fear is probably myself, and my own limitations.

I’m scared that I won’t succeed in life the way I want to, and that I won’t be any good at the things I love to do. I’ve always wanted to be a singer – but how many people share the same dream and never achieve it? Far too many to count. I’m scared I’ll never realise this dream, and it’s something that I want so much. I started a YouTube channel to showcase my singing (among other things) a couple of months ago, and as with most channels it’s really slow-going getting any kind of exposure or attention. I’m scared that the channel will crash and burn embarrassingly in front of everyone. I’m scared that I’ll fail my law degree and my back-up career of being a solicitor/barrister (strange back-up career I know, but I really love singing) will also crash and burn, and I’ll end up on benefits or in a really shitty job for the rest of my life. I’m scared I’ll never move away from my city and lead an uneventful and boring life.

I love to write and I’d love to write a book – I’m scared no one would even like anything that I’d write and I’d waste my time writing something completely worthless.

All of these things terrify me, but when I think about it the thing that terrifies me the most is the thought that I just might not be good enough.

Sometimes the weight of all of the pressure that I put on myself is suffocating, and it seems hopeless that I’ll ever achieve any of the things I want to. It’s a struggle sometimes to rise to the challenge (hahahahaha [insert sex joke here]), but I’m definitely not the type of person who’s content to lie down and let everything pass me by.

I’m determined to do my best to achieve my dreams – and if I fail I can at least take some solace in the fact that I damn near killed myself trying to get there, and that I did the best that I could possibly do.

Most likely, you have hopes and dreams and ambitions too. Maybe you don’t put as much pressure on yourself as I do, but that doesn’t make your dreams any less real than mine are – so do your best and don’t give up even when it’s hard! Believe in yourself and do what you can to succeed…and also don’t visit whatever the hell kind of room this prompt is going on about, coz it seems depressing as hell and kinda counter-productive tbh :/

…yeah. Anyway, this is the end of this post, I hope you enjoyed it! Have a great week 🙂

Carley ❤

Advertisements

Getting to Know Me!

Hi guys! I hope you’re all having fantastic weeks. Today I’m writing a post in conjunction with a recent video that I’ve uploaded. I started a YouTube channel a couple of months ago that is very much in its infancy but that is slowly (but surely) growing. A couple of days ago I posted a video explaining my motives for making the channel, my aims for it and answering 10 questions about myself! In order to expand this I decided to follow it up with a blog post where I answer more questions about myself so you can really get to know me.

The first 10 questions are answered in the video below.

Watch the video here!

Now onto the rest of the questions!

  1. What is your favourite book?

I would definitely say that my favourite book is Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’. I absolutely love the horror genre – be it in movies or fiction, and I have a special place in my heart for Gothic horror. I like the book so much I wrote a coursework piece on it, comparing it to Mary Shelley’s ‘Frankenstein’!

  1. What is your favourite drink?

I absolutely LOVE Diet Coke (but HATE regular Coke), but being health conscious as I am I don’t drink it often since it’s really bad for you. Instead I usually drink about 2 litres of water a day and occasionally a glass of orange juice.

  1. What are your favourite TV shows?

Like I mentioned in the video…I don’t normally have one single favourite! I would probably say that my favourite TV shows include Arrested Development, Archer (which is really funny!), The Great British Bake Off (don’t judge me, I genuinely love it), Bojack Horseman, South Park obviously and The Vampire Diaries – which I kind of class as my guilty pleasure. When your boyfriend can sit with you and watch an episode midway through season 2 and predict everything that’s going to happen and what the characters are going to say despite having never watched an episode before…you know the show you’re watching is a bit cliché. But I still love it ❤

  1. Can you cook?

I would say that I can cook – but I’m not an artistic person. Most of my artistic endeavours end up not looking so great, so although I can make really tasty food the presentation of it is not always great :p

  1. What was the last thing you ate?

The last thing I ate was a bowl of fruit! It wasn’t as a meal, just a snack to help me stay healthy and get my 5 a day!

  1. What is the first thing you notice about other people?

I always notice whether someone is smiling, and whether their overall body language looks friendly. If not, this can put me off even speaking to them!

  1. What was the last text you sent and to who?

The last text that I sent was to my boyfriend and it said ‘Don’t forget to watch South Park today bro!’. We both really like South Park.

  1. What is your favourite animal?

Definitely a dog-like animal. My favourite domestic animals are dogs! My favourite wild animals are wolves.

  1. What is your best feature?

This is a difficult one for me, because in this sense I’m kind of like a stereotypical girl as I am not very boy-confident. It sounds strange but I have a mole on my stomach (a nice mole, not one of those hairy ones) which is diagonal to my belly button which I really like. I know it’s weird for that to be my favourite part of my body but it just looks like it was meant to be there, not random and it adds character to my stomach :p

  1. Do you like spicy and why/why not?

Nope! I hate spicy food! It makes my throat sad L Since my boyfriend is Caribbean however I’m a lot more used to eating spicy food than I ever have been…but I still don’t like it much!

  1. What do you do in your free time?

I kind of already answered this in the video but singing is a big part of what I do in my spare time! Other than that I love gaming, looking after my pets, writing, managing my YouTube channel and making videos and exercising!

  1. Do you ever laugh at things that you shouldn’t?

Definitely. Laughing at inappropriate times is kind of my instinctive go to for awkward situations. Prime example; the day my mum called me, crying, to tell me that my granddad had died and I just burst out laughing.

  1. Have you ever had surgery?

Yup! I have terrible eyesight and I used to have a stigmatism in my right eye and also double vision. Eventually the double vision got so bad I had to have eye surgery to correct it. For weeks I looked like some kind of terminator with one bright red eye.

  1. What is your dream holiday?

I would love to go back to Japan, but also I would love to go to Thailand! I like going to places very far away where the culture is very different to what I’m used to. I think it allows you to grow so much as a person and allows you to see how other people live.

  1. Have you ever fallen asleep at school?

Embarrassingly I have. Many times. I have a lot of issues sleeping (which I recently uploaded a video about and will be making a post about shortly!), and so I often went to school tired. Once I fell asleep mid-conversation with my teacher. It was that bad.

So that’s the end of my questions for today! I hope you enjoyed getting to know me, and I would love to get to know you!

Thanks so much for reading, and until next time guys!

Carley ❤